


Invasion

by Tuii



Series: Polarity [3]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Hypomania, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, rant about being bipolar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-14 08:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13586409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuii/pseuds/Tuii
Summary: And it will follow you everywhere. It will make decisions for you, it will make some things impossible and some things will never happen because of it. It takes away from you the freedom of choice





	Invasion

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this isn't too angsty or triggering, I'm sorry if it is. And let me know if it is and you need more tags or something, I find it hard to tag these. 
> 
> Kudos and comments make my day <3

When you’re bipolar, it affects to everything. And with everything I mean everything. Things that normally would be normal, whatever that means, doesn’t work in your case. Like when you face a medical issue that somehow, no matter how, can maybe perhaps be because of your bipolarity, it is because of that. Yes, it is ridiculous and stupid but it is also the reality of one who is bipolar. If you fall and hurt your leg, it can somehow be traced back to being bipolar. Maybe you were manic and didn’t pay attention to things? Or maybe you were depressed in a way that made you just give up? And you end up telling the medical staff over and over again that no, I wasn’t manic or depressed, just had an accident. It’s like being bipolar isn’t bad enough that you need also to be the patient that has the weird symptoms and a natural cause to blame everything on. 

It also means that everyone thinks they have the right to give you good advice. And by good advice I mean everyone. Your neighbour, your aunt and her neighbour, your namesake, your teacher, your so called friends who actually don’t care at all, your mother (who you do love but she needs to chill also), the random people who somehow find out about your illness. It wouldn’t matter so much if the advices would be any good. Okay, some are but most of them are just crap. LIke when you’re having a bad depressive episode and every little energy unit you have goes to like breathing. Anything past that is just too difficult and takes way too much energy so walking outside is pretty much the last thing on your mind. Or eating your vegetables when you don’t want to eat anything at all. There are those who read all kinds of stuff on the internet and tell it to you like it would really cure your illness. But nothing can, not really and all the way. Meds help, yes, because they do the things your brain doesn’t do but nothing cures you from it, ever. Yes, it hurts at time but then again, you learn to live with it. You learn to brush of the good advice people give you, ignore those you don’t want to hear. 

Then there are those who think that they know better what helps and what doesn’t help. Who watch your every move and make sure you do as you should. That you keep your sleeping schedule, eat and drink water, take your meds, don’t drink alcohol or smoke. Those who think that they know better than your psychiatrist which meds work for you and on what dosage. Of course there are those those who say that meds don’t do anything good for you and you should use just natural things like herbs and whatnot. It’s hard living with those people who seem to know you better than you do. Mostly because at the same time they say only you can know how you feel. Can’t they just fucking decide what they mean! Some feel that they have the right to come to your home and for example start cleaning up after you. So you could feel more comfortable and not care about the mess. When the mess is likely the last thing you care about, it may even be comfortable to have the mess around you because it makes you feel at last something, even if it is shame or anger. Anger towards the illness that takes so much from you, that keeps on taking things from you. The illness that hurts you, those close to you and sometimes even those who just happens to stumble next to you. 

Sometimes you want to just curl in yourself, just because of the bipolarity. And yes, there are those days you can’t do anything than just that. Maybe because you are so fucking angry at everyone, everything and maybe because you have absolutely no energy left to do anything else. Since even breathing hurts, it takes almost too much energy and you can barely do that. Sometimes you have all the energy in the world but you still want to curl into yourself because you know what it means, it means that the hell and paradise of hypomania is coming. You know you’re too much to handle when hypomanic and you hate yourself when you’re hypomanic. But then again, you hate yourself also when you’re depressed. It’s like a lose-lose situation, no way you can win. You know that nobody actually blames you on the stuff you do but the thing is that you blame yourself and it is enough. It makes this bad enough. Isak has told you over and over again that you are not to blame, that it is your brains that don’t work as they should but there is a part in you that doesn’t believe him. The part that believes Isak says those things because he wants you to go easier on yourself or maybe so Isak himself would have it a bit easier? The bigger part of you trusts Isak and knows he loves you as you are. But there is the tiny part that doesn’t believe and says naughty things to you when you are already feeling low, the part that doesn’t play nicely. That plays a very dirty game. 

Sometimes someone says to you that being hypomanic must be a cool feeling because you have all the energy and you’re like super creative and stuff. And you just look at them your mouth open because what the hell did you just hear? Because being hypomanic is a special kind of hell, a very own circle of hell. Yes, you do have a lot of energy but you can’t control it at all. You get nothing, absolutely nothing done because you just keep starting new projects, come up with more and more amazing ideas that need to be done now, right this minute. You have no control of your own mind, things just run there like headless chickens having a field day. Maybe you start a project, maybe you start seven of them or maybe hundred. But you will not get them done because most probably the ideas are way out there to actually work. You won’t resolve world hunger issues or write the most amazing script ever seen on this Earth. Being hypomanic affects the way you function, it makes sure that you can’t function. There is absolutely nothing cool about that. You may feel like you don’t need sleep or even eat so it is really a possibility that you will collapse physically. And before you ask, yes, this can happen even when you eat your meds. Meds help but they don’t take the risk away. Meds make the highs be more bearable and more manageable and they make you see when things are happening. And yes, there are those days and those episodes that you make the very clever decision to stop taking your meds. It can happen in either end of the scale. It is hard being in your early 20’s and having a diagnosis that will follow you until you die. And it will follow you everywhere. It will make decisions for you, it will make some things impossible and some things will never happen because of it. It takes away from you the freedom of choice. And you can’t even start to think how fucking much it sucks, hurts and breaks you unless you have this same shit to carry around.


End file.
